my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
