There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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