You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
