I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
