I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
