i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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