I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
