Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
