Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
