If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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