good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
