All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
