It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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