You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
