You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
