I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
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You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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