his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
