pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
