I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
