I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
