I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
