Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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