take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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