Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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