i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
