Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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