woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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