Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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