dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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