The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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