Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
