??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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