So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize