Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
