i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
