then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
