I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
