I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
