just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
