I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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