No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
