May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can't turn off my feet"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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