Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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