Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
