I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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