why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
