pop tarts are not kleenex
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
