he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
