Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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