I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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