so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
