im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The adults are the big ones right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
