Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
