My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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