She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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