I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
