go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
